TOURING

Ok, so everyone in your hometown thinks you're the next Bon Jovi. You've got a good local response and you want to hit the road and give touring your best shot. Everyone in the band agrees that it's time. Some people will look for booking agents, managers, or a friend that could completely flake out on the band. I say all of that is bullshit. Do it yourself. It's going to be a lot of hard work, you're going to feel insecure, and you'll get confused and frustrated but it's the best way to make sure it gets done, you'll know exactly what's happening, and I find it to be fun sending things and receiving things from bands/promoters across the country and talking to other people that want to get their band across the country, too.

Before I begin with helpful tips, I'd just like to say that if you're expecting to play sold out arenas and make tons of cash or sleep with lots of girls and do tons of drugs while on tour then please don't read this. Not only will this guide not help you reach those goals... if that's your goal for your band the I honestly don't want to help you. If you're looking to consistently work hard, meet amazing new people, make friendships that will last a lifetime, explore your oppurtunities, and see the larger picture... and all of these things regardless if you make or lose money... then this will be very helpful because there is a whole network of people out there who are just like you.

Also remember that touring is hard. If you have a nice comfy home life then you'll probably hate touring a great deal. If you're constantly broke (probably living on friends' couches) and wondering where your next meal is going to come from... then touring is sometimes an improvement on your life as people at least will help you out along the way. Touring is not for everybody. It's just not. It is probably one of the biggest tests a band will face on whether or not they will stay together.

This is not to scare you. This is to hopefully get you past the mistakes before they happen so that you don't have to fuck up like the many bands before you. Good Luck!

TRANSPORTATION

Before you even start booking a tour you should make sure that you have some form of transportation available. Whether it's borrowed, rented, or bought you should make sure that the van is not going to shit out on you.

I wouldn't really recommend renting a van just because it's so pricey and you're probably not going to make enough money playing basements and teen centers to come out close to anywhere near expenses.

If your parents or someone really close (someone that won't kill you or sue you if the van gets wrecked, stolen, or breaks down) is willing to let you borrow their van then you should only really do so if it's really forgiving parents. Most friends will say it's ok but some people get really weird when it comes to money. Don't lose friendships over this.

Buying a van is probably the best way because if you're going to be serious about touring then you're going to have to buy one anyways. A decent van is going to cost anywhere from $1,000 to some insane price. I've heard of people buying them off of shady dudes for about $800 and the van never dies. I've also seen people buy vans off of a church group for $2,000 and it breaks down on their weekend tour. It goes either way and I can't really say if there's a science to it. I would ask around and find a friend of a friend that's a mechanic, check out some vans, TEST DRIVE IT, and make a decision based on the needs of your band.

Some things to look for in a van are: heat vents (a lot of people crammed in a hot stinky van for a 14 hour drive can break up a band reeeeeaaaally fast), seating and space (obviously), and, as bad as it sounds, make sure it has at least a tape deck. I've heard lots of horror stories coming back of drivers on long trips with everyone sleeping and they have to make the trek alone at 3am with nothing but the radio... on the other hand, Cryptorchid Chipmunk listened to the Coast to Coast radio show while on tour and I have to say that it makes for some fun conversation.

BOOKING

Ok, now you are ready for the daunting task of booking the shows! Fun! Although I'll explain how to make a press kit and that bullshit... with the internet and everything, I don't think you'll really need to send one out.

First, you're going to want to pick the area of the United States that you want to tour in. Weigh in the pros and cons of some different regions (example: the southeast is cheap but venues are far apart... whereas, the northeast is more expensive but all of the drives are really short). You'll then want to find the time frame that you're allowing yourself and plan a route. You'll want to hit the city farthest in your route towards the middle of your tour so that you can play shows on your way back home, also (duh.). So, let's say that you are touring from Louisville, KY to New York City in 10 days. Your routing might look like this:

Day 1-Louisville, KY
Day 2-Cinncinati or Columbus, OH
Day 3-Pittsburgh, PA or Morgantown, WV
Day 4-Pittsburgh, PA or Morgantown, WV
Day 5-Baltimore, MD or Philadelphia, PA
Day 6-New York City
Day 7-New Jersey or Washington D.C.
Day 8-Charlotte, NC
Day 9-Asheville, NC
Day 10-Knoxville, TN

That's a good mix of northeast and southeast states.

Now that you have your ideal schedule laid out, it's time to go through your contacts. If you've been playing locally for a while then hopefully you're a friendly face to outside touring bands when you're on the same bill and talk to them, let them stay at your place, and get their phone number or email so that you can remain friends. If you're into this for anything other than meeting new people, helping them out, and playing music then you'll probably be disappointed with the whole touring experience. Don't forget to keep track of all of those emails scrawled on the back of bar napkins and phone numbers on match books. Keep a drawer at home designated for when you come home late at night then you can just throw those numbers and emails in that drawer and worry about them later.

Before the internet (Oh my! We really did exist before the internet!) bands used to keep many phone numbers of touring bands and the foot work of scamming a phone card, calling someone for a show, asking them for more phone numbers, and working your way through the web of the music community. You could get a print version from Book Your Own Fucking Life, also. But now, luckily, the scene has grown and there are literally countless contacts at your fingertips.

With the internet, there's no more long distance bills, scamming phone cards, hours spent calling countless numbers... You can simply type up an email, copy it, and send that sucker out to as many people that will read it. Send it to the people you know first then check out sites like Book Your Own Fucking Life (www.byofl.org) for promoters in the area that you're looking for. Since the shutdown of MP3.com, myspace.com, purevolume.com, and virb.com have been terrific resources for contacting bands directly. Look at their tour dates and see if you can hop on, doe a show trade (you should want to bring these bands to your town, anyways), or just see if they know someone that will put on a show.

You're going to have to send out about 50 blind emails to maybe receive one or two replies. Underground music is supported by people without the most security in their lives so a promoter might usually do shows but they are evicted right now and don't have a house space for shows or some kid broke a window at the last VFW hall show so they're not renting it out for shows anymore... that kind of thing. It takes a lot of time and personal interest in who you're dealing with. I'll always give my friends priority on getting on my shows. That's just how it is and I think that's how most promoters work.

If a promoter replies and asks for a press kit... you'll probably not want this show... but if you're hurting for shows and you'd rather play than have a day off then here's some things bands put in press kits. Excuse me if I don't elaborate. I think press kits are pretty cheesy... kind of like guarantees, waivers, and green m&ms.

Press Kit:
contact info (email, phone, fax, paiger number, work number if allowed)
a picture of your band in one of those pre-arranged dumbassed photos that I see all over myspace
a pretty little self-boasting story about your beginnings (that noone cares about) and what bands you've shared the stage with (that noone cares about)
a demo cd of no more than 3 songs (a promoter usually isn't going to listen over 3 songs and they'll know if they're going to book you or not based on those 3... song #7 rarely ever convinces them, trust me)
and anything else your little heart desires.

MONEY AND MERCH

Sadly, if you want to support yourselves and break even on tour then you're going to have to sell merchandise. You'll also have to keep track of your money carefully.

Some things to keep track of money-wise are: merch sales, merch giveaways, door money, gas, vehicle maintenence, repair, loans to band members, loans from band members, equipment, tools, medical expenses, misc. (towing, etc). Just keep track of them in a notebook that is always near the band fund.

Door money and merch sales are probably the most respectable ways to support your band on the road. I would like to suggest sliding scale since money is the last thing your band should be thinking about while on the road and having new people listen to your music be first. If you're not familiar with sliding scale, it is a system with a low and high price based on how much the consumer can pay for the item based on how much they are able to pay for your record.

Other creative ways to earn money on the road are distroing other bands' and labels' merch, selling used books and cds, selling bootlegs of anything, selling crafts or art that the band members make, and other countless things.

HELPFUL TIPS FOR MUSICIANS AND SINGERS

Singers:
-eat healthy! a singer getting sick on tour can cancel a tour faster than you can order a happy meal.
-bring lozenges, honey, and stuff for hot tea
-warm up! Your voice is just as much of an instrument as the rest of the band and you should warm up then make as little sound as possible before and after the show.
-don't smoke, dumbass.

Musicians:
-bring extra strings, batteries, drumsticks, drum keys, drum heads, a towel for the drummer, extra hi-hat stand, pedal springs, and some handy tools for your instrument
-road cases are a must but take up extra space. Road wear is inevitable but it's nice to try and keep that to a minimum.
-make a checklist of your equipment for every night to make sure you leave nothing behind and make sure at least 3 members do a walkthrough to also make sure nothing has been left behind.

HOUSING

To be blunt, sleeping in the van sucks. When booking your tour it's good to note if you have any friends or relatives in some of the places you'll be playing to stay with after the show. Generally, it is a common courtesy that the show promoter will set you up with a place to stay. If the promoter is a young kid or some splinter of society in which they can't provide housing and you know noone in the town, then try talking to people that have attended the show and announce it in between songs. This generally works in one way or another.

Once you reach your destination, it is wise to avoid parking the van in downtown areas and any street with lots of litter and glass. Find a well-lit area and have one person sleep in the van. This avoids the van being burglarised at night time.

Don't be a dick to the person you're staying with! Take off your fucking shoes when you go inside, smoke outside, and do some of their dishes in the morning. Kindness goes a long way.

PACKING AND FOOD

Pack lightly but responsibly. Always bring a pair of pants, jacket, and a long sleeve shirt even if you're touring the southwest in july. I've hit more freak weather on tour than, I dunno, something else that happens a lot. Try to pack your clothes, sleeping bag, and pillow as small as possible. I also recommend books and a portable cd player. It will give you some much needed escape from your band mates regardless of how much you love them.

Also, don't forget general items like:
toilet paper, duct tape, general repair kit, cell phone, possibly a very organized and helpful friend, no nice shirts, socks!

When it comes to food, avoid gas stations like the plague. They are over priced and unhealthy. You're paying more to make yourself feel like shit. Pack non perishable healthy food and always ask where the nearest grocery store is located. There are also many free food scams! I'm keeping my lips sealed on those, though. Sorry!

COMMUNICATION AND ATTITUDE

This is most important for keeping friends and your own personal ego in check.

Plain and simple, touring is hard. Try not to complain. Everyone is in an uncomfortable state. It is how you welcome this that will determine whether everyone stays happy or not. Communication is key about everything whether it be inter-van or intra-van. Always let petty arguments go to the waste basket, approach everything with a positive mental attitude now more than ever, and avoid phrases like, "I told you so" or "You don't listen" and so on. Those phrases ignite arguments quickly.

This must be addressed. I wish it didn't have to be but while on the road you're going to encounter young people who's lives are in a confused state. What I'm trying to say is, "DON'T SLEEP WITH YOUNG PEOPLE THAT CAME TO YOUR SHOW!" It's just going to mess up this young person's life more and possibly yours with pregnancy, STDs, etc. Consensual sex between two people is one thing. As an adult, though, recognise the difference and try and talk to someone who might be confused or wanting attention. Sometimes they need someone to talk to them.

Shit, son! More can be said on this subject so go ahead. With these tips, some creative thinking, and positivity you should be making friends, playing interesting shows, and have the time of your life! Good Luck!

To Guarantee or Not to Guarantee...

I was recently sitting at home when a friend of mine messaged me asking about some booking information. He said that his band couldn't take it anymore and was going to start asking local clubs for a guarantee. He wanted to know what I thought of this and how to go about it when asking clubs about it. I know something similar to this has caused a heated debate on other forums but it is something that I think should be discussed at length. Please note: any comments that are blatant remarks to hurt someone will ALWAYS BE DELETED so don't waste your time or mine, please! With that in mind, if you're going to give your opinion please try to be respectful and always be informative. This is here to help the uninformed.

When I think of guarantees or how the money is situated for a show I think of four factors: the venue, promoter, bands, and the kids. Now, I'm sure everyone knows how I feel about guarantees. I don't like them and refuse about 95% of the bands that I come across that ask for a guarantee. I will, however, try to explain why I feel this way and try to shed some light on why bands ask for them, some promoters won't work with them, where the kids' money is going, and how venues are effected by guarantees.

THE CASE FOR A GUARANTEE (the band's perspective)
Being in a band is hard. You spend your time organising practices, writing songs, working out these songs, saving what little money you make from shows for transportation, broken sticks and guitar strings, merchandise for the kids, and almost an infinite list of other expenses. It would be nice to be appreciated a little bit and get some help with these expenses.

A friend recently told me, "I'd love to play California but you can't get there on passion." A guarantee, in some ways, is to know ahead of time that the promoter will do their responsibility in making sure people show up for the show. All promoters provide a space for the bands to play... but, sadly, some promoters do that in a literal sense and just provide a space and nothing else and help the band in no way possible. It's not good for your tour and it's not good for the mood of your band. Sadly, money causes as many breakups as cheating relationships and day jobs.

So, basically, for a guarantee... we all wish we lived in a perfect world where all bands played sold out shows and money wasn't a problem but in reality that's not the case. Bands have to work and pay to play. They have to protect themselves with previous arrangements.

THE CASE AGAINST GUARANTEES (the promoter's perspective)
"Dear Mr. Promoter,

My name is Ace Freely and I play in the Doom/Math/Dark/Sludge/Christian band called Church Burner. We've been playing shows for about 6 months and it's time for us to take the show on the road. We don't ask for anything just $100.00 to cover gas money and will be in your area from July16th-July18th. We don't have any songs up on our myspace but we've got some bitchin' pictures with the guy from Lincoln Park. We should be releasing our debut ep on Mommy's Uterus is Exploding Records (produced by the bass player from Dick Shifter!) in August and it should be big. We think we'll have a huge draw in your area.

our influences include:
Mayhem
Venom
Corpse Grinder
Sunny Day Real Estate
Dick Shifter

Thanks in advance,
The Ace Man"

Sadly, as a promoter, these are about 80% of the emails I get from bands today. A band that has been around a year or less, have never been out of their hometown to build an audience, and decided to leave out any personal interest in the state or venue they're playing... yet, they want me to contractually obligate myself to paying them $100.00 (possibly from my own personal money).

Promoting is a thankless job. Hundreds of bands beg for a chance to play. Most get offended or think you're flaky when you can't help them out 100% of the time. You walk around town for a month posting fliers, bulletins, and handing out handbills to get people to come. Spend your own personal money on making those fliers, food for the out of town band staying at your house... not to mention losing money on requesting that day off of work at the resturaunt... the show comes around, you're the go to person if there's anything wrong... the weather could cause a bad turnout... the lead singer of Naughty By Nature wants to go on first because he's got a chemistry final the next day... and aside from your D&D buddies, noone else knows that this show happened because of your hard work... oh, and now the out of town band wants $100.00 for gas to make it to a town that's 15 minutes away (that you called up your D&D buddy from that town and helped set up that show, too). Oh, and not to mention that as a promoter... if you take any of the money from the door to cover your expenses you look like a total asshole.

Basically, when does money become the motivating element for your band to go on the road? What happened to, "I just want people to hear my music" and what happened to, "if noone liked us or came to our shows, we'd keep playing" yet... you don't want to save up any of your own personal money to do the thing you claim you love more than anything? Why should the promoters give you $100.00 when the people aren't showing up for your band, you're getting free room and board, and your next show will probably use about $30.00 in gas to get there? Is there something you're not telling us? Does your band need to eat out at resturaunts every night while they're on tour?

When it comes to Morgantown, the only band that I know of in this town that consistently tours is Cryptorchid Chipmunk. They've been touring pretty consistently for years and don't get guarantees. They've survived. Passion might not fuel your van but passion will drive you to find a means to what you want to do. So what if you work a shit job nine months out of the year and save money for tour? The other three months when you're doing something you absolutely love to do makes it worth while... are you going to let something like money make you work that shit job for 12 months out of the year with no satisfaction because you couldn't suck it up and save some money? I don't think I've ever been on a tour where it costs $700.00 a week in gas. If so, you might want to reevaluate who's booking your shows!

Like bands... sadly, this is a big reason why people stop promoting shows. You get burned by shitty band #3975 and have to pay them out of your pocket and they come back to your place and eat all of your cereal... it can disillusion the people with the most honest of intentions.

And so basically, against a guarantee... why? why does someone have to pay you $100.00 for asking for a show? This is supposed to be about showing art, meeting people, and having good times? Does money fit into that? Not really. Promoters don't get paid. They give the bands all of the money that the show makes. Is that not good enough? If your band is this big then why don't you have more fans to support your money habit?

THE KIDS (God Bless'em)
And where does the audience fit into this? Where is your money going when you go to a show? Yes, this does concern you. You should know that bands are getting treated fairly and that you're not getting ripped off. Would you rather see your favorite band in a bar where your favorite band can't support themselves or at a house where they are getting all of the door money that you paid to support them with?

Some promoters have been asking for the people attending to start paying $6.00 for regular local shows. They say that the extra dollar will help out of town bands get money. I disagree with this because of running a house that holds about 60 people... if there are 3 bands on the bill split at a dollar a piece ($3.00 split between 3 bands=$1.00 a piece) would mean that each band makes $60.00 and if the two locals don't mind deferring some of their money (because they only traveled about two blocks to play) that easily adds up close to $100.00 for a band... or take 123 for instance with the 80%/20% split. Their capacity is much larger but say you only get about 100 people at your show (which is very feasible for a show at 123 if done properly) 100 people paying $5.00 each equals $500 dollars... with the 80/20 split, the bands get $400.00 of the $500.00. $400.00 split between three bands is $133.00 with that stingy promoter allowing themself a dollar for their hard work.

So, now with your new knowledge... how do you feel about someone asking you to pay that extra dollar? Is it worth it? It's hard to pay $15.00 a week on shows supporting your friends isn't it? Well, $18.00 a week isn't any easier especially with minimum wage at $5.15, right?

With higher prices, less people will attend shows on a regular basis. What's more important? Possibly more money and less people or slightly less money and more people watching?

I'm not going to make a new section for venues because venues are businesses working with guarantees. That's their decision and theirs alone. The bands have all of the right to ask a business for a guarantee because they are bringing that business customers. It is working within the capitalist system and a band should try and get as much money for themselves in that situation to fund their art as far as I'm concerned.

***Just ask Ben Roethlisberger, kickin' ass takes gas!
***Comic by Brad Neely. www.creasedcomics.com
***I dunno, I typed in "Show Promoter" into google and got that guy.